I Don’t Love You Anymore…

“I don’t love you anymore…” These are perhaps some of the most fearsome words a spouse can hear… or think… As a counselor, I hear it often enough… moreso lately than ever before. People are feeling alone in their marriages. They’re reaching out to each other, but they’re not connecting. After so many years of marriage… perhaps children too… what do we do now? Is it over? Did we make a mistake? How can I live with you if you don’t love me? How can I live with you if I don’t love you? The thought of it is paralyzing…. But here we are…

“I don’t love them anymore… the feelings are gone… there’s nothing there… I guess there never really was.”

What is the speaker really saying?
1. You don’t understand me
2. You don’t care about me
3. You don’t appreciate me
4. You don’t respect me
5. You don’t cherish me
6. I am angry
7. I have been neglected
8. I have been taken for granted
9. I don’t measure up
10. I’m not good enough
11. It hurts!
12. I’m devastated

And, because it has hurt for so long, and you haven’t changed it, I don’t trust you and will not be vulnerable with you again.

I believe that the feelings of hurt and anger supersede any feelings of love in our relationships, and over time, resentment builds and we soon make the decision to stop trying. What does that really mean? It means that when we can’t fix it, and you won’t fix it, we hold on to our negative feelings and use them as the basis to decide to stop loving… when we decide to stop loving, our relationship is doomed. Feelings always follow our decisions about reality. Those of you who have been reading my posts for awhile may remember the source of feelings:

1. Observe – What’s going on? What are they doing/saying?
2. Interpret – What does it mean? What does it say/imply about ME?
3. Feel – How does my interpretation make me feel?
4. Act – How do I behave under the influence of these feelings?

After years of observation of your behavior, your spouse may have interpreted a pattern of disrespect, or neglect, or condescension, or lack of appreciation, or a sense of superiority. If they interpret negatively often enough, they will decide that the truth is “you don’t understand… don’t care… don’t respect… don’t cherish, etc.” That interpretation will undoubtedly breed those negative feelings of hurt, anger, and resentment. The resulting behavior will be withdrawal and a decision not to risk reaching out to you in love. When that happens, all feelings of love are strangled by the negative.

“I don’t love you anymore…” is a result of desperate sadness and fear for the speaker, and for the hearer of those words, it can be a shock wave of surprise that moves through all the stages of grief: Denial… anger… bargaining… depression… and finally, acceptance. When the stage of acceptance is finally reached… “They’re serious. They’ve lost all feeling for me!” Then, the real work can begin, and it’s a long hard pull on the oars to get the little boat through rough seas to shores of safety. Is it impossible? No… I’ve witnessed this hard work in the lives of many couples who thought they were lost, and I’ve seen them come ashore together, stronger than ever… but you’d better believe it takes long hard work to repair the damage… the leaking boat… and get to shore.

Is there a better way? You betcha. Don’t take a beautifully intimate relationship and throw it to the dogs. “What am I, DOG MEAT? That’s how I feel.” But, some of you may say, “I don’t think we got married for the right reasons… maybe we never had a meaningful relationship…. Maybe we just made a mistake?” BULL DOOKIE! There’s no “perfect one” out there for you… there are plenty of companions out there you could love and be loved by, if you decided to do so… So decide, decide, decide, to love the one you’ve got.

Try… MaybeThis:

1. Accept the fact that you cannot change them, but you can change your own behavior and attitude.
2. Apologize for whatever your contribution was to the mess you’re in… known and unknown.
3. Commit to “going to school” to learn who your spouse is; what they need, and how to give it.
4. Decide to make your marriage relationship the number one priority in your life. (If you’re in a small boat that’s full of holes and leaking… you ‘re in the middle of the sea… what’s your priority… rowing or patching? The boat is your marriage relationship.)
5. Ask for their help in making the changes you need to make. Promise them you’ll ask them for a progress report regularly and listen to them.
6. Develop the attitude that “It’s all about them, not all about me.
7. Remember how they felt yesterday:
1. You don’t understand me
2. You don’t care about me
3. You don’t appreciate me
4. You don’t respect me
5. You don’t cherish me
8. Prove them wrong

When you ask yourself, “What about me?” Just forget about it… Keep patching holes in the boat. You don’t love someone for you, you love them because you chose them to spend your life with. Men, to provide for, protect, cherish, and grow in intimacy… Women, to love, nurture, comfort, and build a family with. You give yourselves to each other to make something beautiful together. Men, love your wives… die for them. Women, respect and submit to your husbands. What is the greater act of love? In God’s economy they’re equally esteemed and equally required (Eph. 5:22-33). As you develop the “it’s all about THEM” attitude, they will come around… they will begin to work with you… then it can be “all about US…”

Blessings,
Jim

Trust, Honesty, and Forgivenss: Seven Steps to “Move On” From Hurt

Trust, honesty, and forgiveness are three relational necessities or essential qualities that will keep a close relationship growing in intimacy and connectedness. These three concepts must constantly be used in thought and action. If you don’t trust me, you will withdraw from me and isolate yourself in a protective mode.

Bottom line, when I have hurt you or offended you, it is a betrayal of your sense of safety with me. When I have betrayed you, you will have difficulty trusting me into the future.

Most people will tell you that trust must be earned! Well, I think that our behaving in a trustworthy manner consistently does deepen and solidify other’s trust of us, but how does it begin? Look at this example:

Let’s suggest that you and I meet at some occasion and begin a nice chat… We kind of like each other and want to expand our new “relationship.” We agree to meet for lunch next Wednesday at noon. I show up to have lunch with you… why do I do that? Because I trust that you will be there. I barely know you, but I “trust that you will be there.” If you show up to have lunch with me, what is the process that got you there? For starters, it was a decision to trust me…that I would be there to meet you. That decision is the foundation of the rest of the action you took to “be there.” Why would you take the risk? Because we are driven for relationship… more social interaction… we want to be friends… that is our direction away from isolation and loneliness… it’s our nature… If either one of us fails to “be there,” offering a “lame” excuse, the risk was not rewarded, and we will probably move on in our search for intimacy… we’re no longer friends.

Trust begins, and is sustained by the decision to do so… “no risk, no reward!” In all relationships other than family, we can have control over who we “relation” with. If we decide they’re not safe, or worth our investment with them, we can cut it off and leave… not so easy with family…

So, when we are hurt or offended by family our trust is compromised just as it is with friends. We can leave if we want to, but we cannot change the fact they are family. In a marriage… in relationship with children… leaving is a poor option. What other options might be available?

Try, maybethis:

1)      Make a conscious effort to not judge.

1. Nobody is perfect
2. 90% of our hurting each other is unintended
3. NOTHING is unacceptable in a relationship if repentance is offered
4. I have been guilty of hurting others, so I cannot judge

2)      Be honest and tell them how you feel

1. If the offense was unintended, they don’t know
2. They are different from you and would not have reacted the way you have
3. Ask them not to require you to justify your feelings… just hear them
4. Tell them your feelings are not up for negotiation

 3)      Tell them that you want to forgive them, but you’re not sure they recognize their responsibility for the offense. 

1. Ask them if they understand how you were hurt
2. They can’t repent (change directions) if they don’t know which way to go

4)      If they don’t offer an apology outright, ask them for one.

1. Look for remorse (sorrow for hurting you)
2. Ask them to repent (change directions)

(If you don’t receive a remorseful and repentant apology it may be difficult to proceed. Return to step #1.)

5)      Ask them if you can count on them in the future to refrain from the thing that caused the offense.

1. This behavior may be difficult for their personality type to control… It may be their natural tendency.
2. If they are not 100% sure they understand, or can control the behavior, ask them how you may be able to help. (Yes, helping in this  is your responsibility! Personality doesn’t change much, but behavior can!)

6)      If their desire is to repent (change directions), and they are reasonably remorseful (sorry they hurt you), decide to forgive them and work the forgiveness process (see below).

7)      Decide to trust them at their word, and move on with your relationship.

1. Each time we hit a hard place in a relationship and navigate it successfully, our relationship strengthens, deepens, and increases in true safety.
2. Hard places are not fun, but they are very beneficial as a catalyst to intimacy.

In the case of a minor offense, this process could take less than an hour… in the case of a major offense, it may take healing, extended remorse, and time to make the decisions to forgive and to trust again, but the process is the same.

What is forgiveness? I think forgiveness is a decision we make, because we want to do so. It involves grace (undeserved favor) and mercy (withheld punishment), and affects the inner condition of the hearts involved. The forgiving heart sheds anger and depression, which opens the door to peace. The forgiven heart receives acceptance, mercy, and reinstatement. Why do I want to forgive? Because God tells me to, and to be free of the anger and resentment that unforgiveness imprisons within me (that’s one of the reasons He tells me to… He thinks it’s a good idea). Forgiveness is not a one-shot decision with immediate results. We must consciously decide again and again… pray for them… over time the feelings of anger and resentment will disappear.

The rewards of honesty, forgiveness, and trust are found in successful and meaningful relationships. The pitfalls are in our risk to be hurt by someone we love… by someone we can’t walk away from.

Forgiveness begins with the decision to do so… Trust begins, and is held, by the decision to do so… Love begins, and grows, when we decide to act loving, especially when we don’t feel like it! It’s not all about me… It’s about the relationship… it’s about us!

The question is, “What can I do to make this better?”

Blessings,

Jim

Differences Between Us: Communication Styles

As many of you read in my last post about the rigidity of one’s personality after adolescence and the realities of our personality differences, it is not a matter of being a certain way with no recourse for change. It is a matter of accepting and understanding our differences so that we can change behavior in order to better meet the needs of our spouse. In addition, it is our opportunity to love unconditionally in spite of their behavior that may frustrate us. For us to judge behaviors which are tied to certain personality differences between us as “unacceptable” is similar to deciding that a certain female characteristic of our wife is “unacceptable” whenever we would rather she, at the moment, act more like a man, and vise versa. The same goes for the differences in our communication styles… again, the question is, if my partner’s style is bothering me, what can I do to make it better for us both?

What are some communication styles that tend to precipitate interpersonal train wrecks? Well, here are just a few:

“think before I speak”                  versus              “speak before I think”
“logical/process”                           versus              “unstructured/free-thinker”
“facts speak for themselves”      versus              “emotions over-ride facts at the moment”
“deductor”                                       versus              “inductor”
“what I say is important”           versus              “how you say it is more important than what you say”
“state feelings directly”               versus              “express feelings indirectly”

Remember first of all, communication involves how we give information as well as how we receive it… exchanging information and sharing information.  Communication includes facts, ideas, desires, opinions, positions, feelings, and attitudes… it comes in the form of writing, speaking, touch, expression, and myriad body languages. And then… whatever we communicate will be interpreted by the receiver as if they had expressed it!

The way this works is that we receive what is communicated and then we have to “make sense out of it.” The first step in doing this is to think, “If I said that, under these circumstances, I would be communicating this: (fact/thought/opinion/feeling/desire.) Therefore, that is what I hear.”

Unfortunately, you are not the one speaking, and they are probably different from you. For instance, if an unstructured/free-thinking person says, “We’ve GOT to do something about this refrigerator! I HATE this kitchen!” The intention behind the communication is probably to express frustration that there are changes they want to make, but cannot do so for whatever reason. If another free-thinker is on the receiving end, they may hear just that… frustration… and accept it as such without feeling threatened. On the other hand, if a logical/Process person is receiving, they will tend to interpret the words as factual and literal. In order to make sense out of it, they decide that the speaker is planning to act on the literal statements, in spite of the fact that they cannot, for the reasons we have already discussed. The listener becomes defensive and reacts in their preferred defensive style (angry offense or angry withdrawal).

In reality, our communication is much more complex than these ideas suggest, but for the sake of keeping this short enough for you to read it through, I have tried to make them more concise and simplistic… If you look at the left side of the “versus” list, you will find the “what you hear is what I meant… read my lips” people. On the right side you have the “what you hear is often my expression of feelings… you need to de-code my words” people. To make matters more confusing, when a “read my lips” literal person speaks, a free-thinker will often try to de-code and read between the lines when nothing is there.

Try, Maybethis:

1)      Identify the communication style of your partner, and learn the “so what” of the differences between yours and theirs.
2)      Plan how you will respond to them if and when you are confused (Ask with patience).
3)      Accept that they will misinterpret your communications from time-to-time and your responsibility will be to clarify without defensiveness. This works both ways.
4)      If you interpret your partner’s communication to be offensive (they’re blaming me), ask them at the first inclination, “Am I the issue, or are you just really frustrated right now?”
5)      No matter what their response, ask them, “How can I help?”

It doesn’t matter how upset they may be, or how much blame they may throw around, your offer to help in spite of being “leaned on” is a wonderful de-escalator to frustration and anger. It puts you on the “high road” and begs them to come up and meet you there. It’s ok to be “leaned on” in a marriage. As a matter of fact, I’d say it is a responsibility to allow our spouse to take out frustration on us from time-to-time… who else better than someone who loves them? The problem is, when we are the one being leaned on, we interpret that someone who loves us shouldn’t do that… so, if they’re doing it, they must not really love us! Bull-dooky! Of course they love you! They’re upset… maybe at you… maybe at their situation… maybe because they have interpreted your behavior as unloving. So, reassure them of your love in spite of their lashing out… “How can I help?” is in-your-face loving… No, you don’t deserve all of the blame you may face, but frustration and anger have also caused you to do and say some embarrassing and inappropriate things too. Recognize and accept their frustration… offer to help… their anger softens and a relational problem is avoided. Things calm down and good communication continues. If you’re the one lashing out, apologize… “I’m sorry… I’m just frustrated and taking it out on you… let me try again.”

Differences in communication styles can be a mine field of misinterpretation, frustration, and hurt. Remember that 90% of the hurt we inflict is unintentional, because it originates from a misinterpretation. Identify, study, and accept who your spouse is… they’re not wrong, just different. Your job is to learn how to respond appropriately, instead of doing what comes naturally by reacting in self-defense. “You’re having a hard time… how can I help?”

Blessings,

Jim

Staying Connected: 1, 2, 3

“He doesn’t listen to me!”
“There is no real intimacy in our relationship!”
“He never gives anything of substance in conversation.”
“She’s always too busy for me!”
“I work my tail off and she doesn’t appreciate any of it!”
“I’m always feeling like 2nd fiddle to their interests.”

One of the most common mistakes partners make in the marriage relationship is to expect the husband or wife to think like she or he does. Most of us know that the genders use very different thought processes and communication patterns, but when the rubber meets the road, we tend to expect our partners to understand not only what we say, but what we think, and why.

Two of the different temperaments in our personalities are whether we are task-oriented, or relationally-oriented. We all go about our day accomplishing tasks, however, the relationally-oriented person pursues the task with careful consideration for any relationships that are involved… Protect the relationships at all costs, the task is secondary. The task-oriented person on the other hand, pursues the task as of primary importance… for them, getting results and accomplishing the task takes priority over any relationships that may be involved.

The female gender is most often more relational… the male gender is most often more task-oriented.
So what?

The main so what is that relational people have a need to connect with the ones they love. That’s a major part of being who they are… relationships are everything to them, and they thrive when they are connected and the relationships are safe. If they perceive that something is not right with a relationship as important as their spouse, they will try to connect and verify the status. If they have trouble connecting, something is wrong, and they will not rest until they feel safe again. Task-oriented people thrive when they produce… when they achieve and accomplish. If they cannot solve a problem, or have trouble getting results, they become preoccupied by their frustrations and they tend to withdraw from relationships.

There you have it! In a marriage, when he is doing well and pleased with his efforts to produce, he can more easily leave his work at the office and change into the family mode. When she tries to connect with him, he responds well, and life is good. But, if he’s not happy with his production, he will be preoccupied about work, frustrated, and anxious… She will try to connect and he will withdraw… she interprets that she is the problem and there is something wrong with the relationship. She continues to pursue and ask questions (grill him). Tension and strife result and life is not good!

At the basic level, connecting is kind of like touching base… checking in… making contact. At the deeper level, it is sharing. When he is withdrawn, he is in no mood to share. Men just have a hard time doing that. Under this kind of stress, men go private! When women cannot connect, they go public! Neither one is wrong, they’re just different. What is the solution?

Try Maybethis:

1) Study and understand these differences

2) Men, communicate… communicate… communicate! If you’re frustrated about something outside of the marriage, tell her! She will know you’re frustrated, and fear that it’s about her. Let her know it’s not her… reassure her and make sure she feels safe. Talk to her.

3) Women, don’t jump to conclusions that his frustration or withdrawal is about you. Remember that this is his style and it’s not natural for him to share when he’s not feeling good about himself. Don’t give him advice when he does voice his frustrations… Just listen and let him know you believe in him.

4) Either of you: If the frustration is about you, make it safe for them to tell you and get it off their chest. Do not get defensive and argue or justify your actions. Just listen and apologize for your part in those negative feelings. You don’t have to agree that you were wrong, but accept that they interpreted your behavior negatively, and just say “that wasn’t my intention and I’m sorry.”

5) Never miss an opportunity to apologize!

Connecting with your spouse is easy to do… but also easy to miss for the task person. If a “need to connect” goes unmet, life will not be good… understand what this is about and learn how to make it work in your relationships.

Blessings,
Jim

Peddle Faster, or Go In A Different Direction?

Many of my clients come into marriage counseling because they are trying as hard as they can, but their efforts are not achieving the results they expect. Both of them are very frustrated, because they love and care for each other… they both believe that… but they’re still not getting along well. Each of them think, “If I do what I think should work, it should get better!” So, they keep doing the same stuff… they peddle harder and faster, trying to “make it happen.” Unfortunately, they’re usually going in the wrong direction, and going there harder and faster! Sincere effort is not the answer… as a matter of fact, it usually becomes a cop-out! “I’ve done this, this, and that, and it doesn’t make any difference! NOTHING I do is enough for you!”

 Guys, if you want a happy wife who isn’t always frustrated with you, I’d like to suggest that you can ONLY achieve that by understanding her communication style, and helping her FEEL an emotional connection with you. She tries to connect with you and bring you into the nest. You walk in the door and think you’re there, but you’ve only walked through the house door. You don’t get throught the nest door until SHE OPENS IT for you! If your wife is chatting away about her day, or asking about your day, or telling you her frustrations, she’s doing her connecting dance. If you will embrace the dance, you’re in the nest! If you withdraw or get defensive she will feel rejected and that you don’t care. Is this what you’re doing?

 Girls, if you want a happy husband who is attentive and willing to connect with you, I’d like to suggest you can ONLY achieve that by understanding his communication style, give him space and time to shift gears into the family mode, and help him FEEL respect for who he is and what he does. Don’t do your connecting dance as soon as he enters the house. Tell him you’re glad to see him, but you want him to take a few minutes to unwind and shift gears. Tell him when he’s more in the family mode you’d like to do a little check-in chat and connect with him. Is THAT what you’re doing?

If what you’re doing is not getting good results, no matter how hard you try, will you agree that doing something different might produce a better result? If you can do that mind-shift, it means you are teachable…  we can take the same amount of sincere effort you’ve been faithful to offer, put it to work with something different, and get the results you want.

 Try… maybethis: There are myriad issues that we face in marriage, and efforts that we think should work that are dysfunctional. If we can’t seem to get the issues  resolved (out of our space… see the last post), we need to look at WHAT we’re doing and make some changes. This is where a good counselor or coach can be a BIG help! But, the best place to find out what to do differently is to ask the expert… that’s your spouse! ASK THEM… and LISTEN… then ask, “What would that look like to you?” ($1,000,000 question). You cannot put yourself into their shoes… those shoes won’t fit! Stop trying to understand and start trying to do what they say. Understanding or “making sense” out of their needs is not the goal… that doesn’t matter… it’s doing the right thing that matters… it’s getting results that matters. When your partner tells you what they want… what they are missing… always ask them, “What would that look like?”
Then go to, “What do WE need to do to make that happen for you? I WANT that for you!”

NOW you’re talkin MY language!!

 If you’re having trouble making your spouse feel connected, or respected. Drop me an email jbeardduck@earthlink.net and we’ll take a look at it.

 Maybe the next post: Communication styles… they’re so different!

 Blessings,
Jim

Relational Boundaries: Change the “rules of engagement”, not the person!

Why are some people so difficult? What can we do when others are obnoxious or too pushy or demanding or selfish or “in my space!” etc. etc. etc.? I often have clients who come in for counseling and bemoan a particular relationship that is out of control…

“I just can’t stand being around them when they act like that!”

“Being around my (brother, sister, mother, father, friend, you name it) is unbearable… it takes all of my energy… it makes me so ANGRY!”

I ask them, “Why do you put up with it?”

They often say, “It’s just the way they ARE! They’ll never change and I’m STUCK with them!”

Someone said a long time ago, “You CAN choose your friends, but you CAN’T choose your family!” Well, I guess we can decide that obnoxious friends can be “let go.” We can decide that we don’t want them as friends anymore… But what can we do with challenging relationships that are family? How about in-laws? And, if we liked someone enough to make them a “friend” before, do we really want to “let them go”, because we can’t handle them… because they are constantly over-stepping into our space?

“Good fences make good neighbors…” I don’t know who coined that, but it reflects serious wisdom. I like to say that fences are like the “boundaries” of our relationships. This is MY space (my privacy… my territory… my emotions… my time… my man… my woman… my whatever) and if you don’t respect it, I will have to build a fence… it will have one gate through it, and I will have the only key to the gate!

A relational boundary, like a fence, doesn’t change the person who has violated your space; it just changes the “rules of engagement” and subsequently, keeps their obnoxious behavior out of your space. I think that trying to “change” people is a large waste of energy, and a most frustrating endeavor, because God made people like He wanted… their environment “shaped” them for their first 5-7 years, and there you have it (there you have THEM)! We’ll go deeper into that in a future post…

Some of the more common relationships that cause stress are the ones between married couples and their parents… or maybe their in-laws. (Can you imagine that?!!!) Some parents have a hard time allowing their children to actually become adults. Over the years of a child’s development, the parental role MUST change at different age levels. As a newborn, the parents protect, feed, and nurture their baby. As a toddler and adolescent, they add training and teaching. As a teenager, they do less training and teaching, less protecting, less providing (one gets what they want by working for it), and begin mentoring. When the children get into mid-twenties, perhaps get married and have their own children, their parents should be MOSTLY mentoring. It is at this point that the children can become adult peers of their parents and a functional friendship is possible, adult-to-adult. When parents or in-laws continue to feel the need to “teach” and “train” their adult children, the results will be very stressful for the children, and can be disastrous for all. So what are we to do?

If this is a problem for you, try… maybethis…

BUILD A FENCE! … WHAT?!! That’s right… build a fence around your space and change the dynamics of the relationship.

Scenario: A young married couple… Mom comes over to visit… she looks around the living room and goes to the sofa and rearranges the pillows. She straightens the magazines on the coffee table with a huff… Then she says, “Susan (speaking to her daughter), doesn’t Steve (son-in-law) complain to you about the way you keep this house? I KNOW I taught you better than this! Well, never mind! It’s none of my business! So, did you ever find a yard man? I know you were disappointed with how your garden turned out. There are lots of professionals out there who are looking for work these days…”

How is Susan feeling at this point? Hurt… offended… angry… embarrassed… insecure… a failure! Is Susan a failure? I don’t think so, but Mom treats her so. She could say, “Mom, I know I’m not perfect, but this is MY house. When you criticize me like you just did, it makes me angry, and I don’t want to feel that way about you… I love you and when you hurt me like that I want to run. I really WANT to be with you and I don’t want to be angry with you, so let’s change the subject.”

Do you think that Mom will “get it” and change her behavior after these loving and logical statements? Probably not…Her NEED for Susan to continue to be a child and “need” her mother’s teaching and training is stronger than logic. It WILL happen again… maybe during this same visit!

What would an appropriate “fence” look like for Susan to set up for Mom’s intrusions? Well, it needs to let Mom know that “being with Susan” (staying inside the fence) depends on her own behavior. Now that Susan has made the lovingly logical statements above, the next time it happens she needs to repeat, “Mom, this is making me angry, and I love you… I don’t want to feel this way about you… let’s change the subject.” Mom persists… Susan says, “Mom, this isn’t working for me, so if you can’t change the subject I’m going to have to ask you to leave now”.

Susan has just built her fence! It’s a very tough thing to do, but the results will change the dynamics of the relationship from now on! … from “parent-&-child” to “adult-&-adult.”

Come on, Jim! Do you think Mom is going to just “take” this insult and “roll over”? No, I don’t… this is the very tough part… Mom will probably react aggressively and go “all out” to belittle her wayward and disrespectful child… to “put her in her place” (I’m the mother… you’re the child)! Susan calmly states, “Mom I love you and I don’t like being angry with you… If you won’t change the subject, you’ll have to leave.” Mom still persists, not backing down… Susan says, “Ok, I’m going into my bedroom. I’ll see you later.” Go into the bedroom and close the door. (If there are no children around, you might say that YOU’RE leaving… get into your car and go!) Mom might play the “victim” and put on the martyr act… “How could you be so mean to your MOTHER?” DO NOT apologize! “Mom, I love you and I appreciate your concern, but this is MY house and I did warn you.” Remember that if Mom doesn’t approve of what’s in YOUR space, that’s HER problem, not yours! You have to let her OWN her problem, not force it on you!

This is really hard to do the first time… I am very aware of that… If you are Susan, it will take planning and LOTS of courage… but, it will change your life…it will give you and your mother the chance to become peers, and, mutually respectful friends! I GUARANTEE positive results if you stand your ground. Do not apologize when she fusses about it later. “Mom, I warned you… It hurts me when you intrude into my space. I want to be with you, but I can’t when you treat me like that.”

If Susan lives far away in another city and the intrusion is over the phone, it works the same way. If Mom wants to “be with” Susan, there is a specific level of behavior that will get her kicked outside of the fence… “Mom, if you can’t change the subject, I’ll have to hang up… Mom persists… “Click!”

 I promise… Susan won’t have to do this more than two or three times for Mom to get the rules straight. When she hears, “Mom I love you, and this isn’t working for me…” She will say, “Oh! I’m sorry… By the way, did you pick out your new wall paper for the kitchen?… You have SUCH good taste! I can’t wait to see what you came up with!”

Enjoy your new friend!

Blessings,

Jim

How do I handle her Feelings?

How do I deal with her feelings? Most men can identify with that question, whether they’re married or not. In a close relationship with a female, a man is very often overwhelmed by the myriad emotional outbursts and emotional “swings” of his girl…

“Where did that come from?”

“Sometimes I have no idea where I stand with her!”

“One minute we’re doing just fine, the next, and for no apparent reason, I’m the bad guy… again!”

Well, may I suggest maybe this? She is upset with you now, because you did not accept her feelings when she tried to express them. Let me guess…

• She tried to tell you how she felt… (Frustrated about a number of things, including you.)
• Probably exaggerated some… (words like “always” and “never” and “no one” and “everyone”).
• Probably covered 3-4 different subjects at the same time…
• You became confused and tried to make sense out of it by being logical and rational…
• You became defensive about the stuff pointed at you…
• You probably tried to help her by offering solutions, but used your favorite prioritizing problem-solving method…
• The focus of her anger turned towards you instead of her original issues…
• Now, you’re the bad guy…

So… how can a man handle something like this that is so unnatural for a man to appreciate, much less for a man to understand? Let’s go to “Feelings 101.” We begin with some givens:

1. A feeling is a “spontaneous inner reaction to people and events in our lives.”
2. Feelings are neither right, nor wrong, they just happen (remember spontaneous).
3. Feelings occur after we have (1) observed and (2) interpreted meaning (the observation could be actual, or provided in our thoughts.)
4. Every action that we take is either rooted in our feelings at the time, or at leased influenced by them.
5. Therefore, (1) we observe, (2) we interpret, (3) we feel, and (4) we react.
6. Feelings are real and important, but they don’t always point to the truth.
7. Most men have a much greater ability to compartmentalize issues (put them up on the shelf in a cubby hole) than women do, therefore moving away from associated feelings is much easier for them.
8. Most men have difficulty relating to the processes that women use to deal with frustration and negative feelings, therefore, they become impatient, demanding, rejecting, and even arrogant towards the one they would really like to help.
9. Most women very often make factual statements (often exaggerated) to express underlying feelings. Men generally don’t know that and hear only the facts, trying to make sense out of them.
10. Men often stumble off the cliff under their own power because of these differences.

Solutions 101: Try MaybeThis?

1. Stop asking questions that you think will help you understand. You can’t understand! You’re a man. You’re just wired differently.
2. Accept the fact that she is having the feelings, don’t question or challenge them, and above all, don’t make suggestions to help her fix the problems.
3. Listen to her and encourage her to talk… express herself… support her with statements that let her know you’re listening, you care, and you don’t think less of her because the way she’s handling all of this doesn’t make sense to you.
4. If she continues with the factual statements, ask her how that makes her feel…
5. Get her to express as many feelings as possible… listen and accept them…
6. When she’s through, you say, “Thank you for sharing all of that with me… I know you’re having a hard time… Is there something you need from me right now?”
7. DO NOT go back to the parts about her frustration with YOU! DO NOT defend yourself! Allowing her to “get it off her chest” without challenge will take care of 90% of her frustration.
8. It doesn’t matter whether she was right or wrong with the facts (feelings don’t always point to the truth) … she DID HAVE THE FEELINGS. You cannot argue with them… remember spontaneous?

Bottom line, when your girl is frustrated (you can usually tell from her body language), get her to verbalize her feelings… “Come sit here with me and tell me what’s on your heart” … Listen to her and support her in her frustration.

If she is really upset with you, and you think she’s justified at all, apologize. Don’t make excuses, just say “I’m sorry!… that was not my intention.” If you don’t think she is justified, listen to the end, and say, “I hear you… I’ll think about it… let me process it and we can talk tomorrow.” You do not have to agree with her, or even understand why she feels these things… just HEAR them and accept them as real for her.

You want her to leave this encounter with you, feeling heard, and not challenged! DO NOT discuss any of it after she’s through. If she asks for your opinion, or wants to discuss it, say, “Let me think about it and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

If you can do this on a regular basis, it will change your life… If your issues with your girl’s feelings have a different twist, or manifest in a different way, let me know what goes on and we’ll see what we can do. If you’re the emotional one and she’s the logistician, help her do some of this for you…

What do you think?

Jim Beard

Expected Roles of Husband and Wife…

Expected roles of husband and wife:

“I have an idea what my wife should behave like!”  “I have an idea how she is supposed to parent!”…  Well, the really unfortunate truth is, so does she, and it’s probably different than yours… As a matter of fact, she has those same ideas about your parenting and “husbandry behavior”, and it’s probably different from yours!

A relatively simple explanation for role-related conflict always surfaces when we talk about it in a counseling session… During courtship, we never had to play the roles of husband, wife, or parent. We more than likely talked about our parents, what we liked and disliked… agreed what was good, and agreed what was not so good, and we talked about our expectations of how that might look when we took on those roles ourselves. But, that discussion was bereft of any experience of having to give up, or give in to each other. It is easy to state, “Of course we will discuss it when we need to… and, of course we will respect each other’s opinions… and, of course we will settle differences amicably…” And what we don’t say, but do think is, “Of course, you will recognize that I am right.”

What does this mean?

• When performance does not meet expectations, conflict is often the result. “My expectation was that you would be the kind of husband my father was.”

• She says, “Why don’t you help me more with chores around the house?”
• He says, “My father never did ‘women’s work,’ he always worked out in the yard.”

• He says, “This house is a mess! My mom always kept our home spotless!”
• She says, “Like me, my mom worked outside of the home and could only clean on weekends… do you want me to vacuum, or do you want supper?”

• He tells a misbehaving child, “What you did is not a good thing. Do you understand why Daddy is upset with you? Ok, I want you to go to your room and think about this.”
• She screams at a misbehaving child, “I told you not to ever do that again. Now, go to your room and get ready for your spanking.”

These are minor examples of preconceived notions about how husbands, wives, and parents should perform those roles. The other spouse thinks to themselves, or blurts out vocally, “I can’t believe you would do that!” … “I can’t believe you don’t think like I do about this!” … “Any intelligent person would agree with me on this!”

Preconceived notions about what is proper behavior of our spouse creates expectations. If expectations are not met, someone will be unhappy and try harder to bring them into reality with disapproving behavior. Expectations can change, but they will not go away on their own. They must be dealt with to keep tension at bay, and bring stability back into a disrupted marriage relationship.

Try MaybeThis?

OK, so how do we deal with expectations? First, we need to find out what they are and how yours may differ from your wife’s. The only way to accomplish this task effectively is to sit down together and talk about it, using questions like the ones below to guide you. Ask the questions of each other and jot down your pertinent reflections. Do not argue with, or challenge each other’s responses. Just accept them as reality for the one stating them. Try to get a feel for your spouse’s emotional under-pinning of the perceptions they reveal.

For instance, in answer to the question, “What was your relationship to your father like during childhood?”, she might say, “Dad was always “there” for me when I needed him, but he was very austere and demanding when it came to his expectations of me.” Well, which was more powerful in her memory, the fact that he was there, or that he was perhaps hard to please? Which of these impacted her the most? What about your father?

• What is/was Dad like? How did the father role manifest to her as his child? What did it look like to her? Was it different for any siblings?

• What was his role in disciplining the children, and how did he do it? What is her response to his parenting style now?

• How did her mother treat her father? Did she respect him? Did she complain and nag him? How do you think she made him feel?

• Who handled family finances?

• What were taboo roles for Dad… what was taboo for Mom?

• What was the relationship with extended family?

These questions and the others like them will help each of you get a handle on your preconceived ideas of the spouse you wanted and, more importantly, expected when you married; the kind of parent you expected them to be; and also the kind of spouse and parent you did not want them to be. As spouses, you are both more than likely different from how you were expected to be. If your wife expects you to be a different husband or parent than you think you should be, you are in a dilemma and you are going to have to deal with it by discovering what the differences are, and talking with her about the realities of the dilemma.

The first major obstacle for you is to accept the fact of her expectations if they are different from your own. You cannot just claim that she is wrong and her ideas are not valid. You have to respect the fact that her ideas are real to her and deal with it. Her ideas came from many years of observation and interpretation. She had to “make sense” out of the observations, and the interpretation process did that for her. One positive aspect of this problem is that her interpretation occurred through the eyes and brain of a little girl, not that of and adult. The same goes for you. As adults now, the two of you can talk about the validity of those childhood ideas of who and what spouses should look like, and decide on the appropriateness of them in the present.

The question is not, “Which one of us is right?” The facts are that we are a new and distinct family from both of the families we came from, so the question is, “What is the best fit for us?” No one needs to lose, we just need to decide what works best for our new family…

If you don’t talk about it, you will assume (very, very, very bad!) you know and understand your wife’s expectations and be offended when she states otherwise… = CONFLICT!

We will talk more about conflict and how to deal with defensive moves next post… for now, accept the fact of your different expectations and decide to listen to each other with respect…

“That’s an interesting point of view… I’ll think about that and we can talk some more later.”

Enjoy!

Jim Beard

Hello world!

Hello world! This blog is designed to be a resource offering new ideas that will help you become a more successful mate. I will post articles from time-to-time to cover topics of a very specific nature that can change your relationships with your spouse or partner. Many of the ideas you will discover here will come from my research and work on my book (not available yet) “The Husband’s Handbook”. I covet your comments on these articles you find here, how the actions suggested work or don’t work for you, and what you think could be better. Enjoy!

Jim Beard