Many of my clients come into marriage counseling because they are trying as hard as they can, but their efforts are not achieving the results they expect. Both of them are very frustrated, because they love and care for each other… they both believe that… but they’re still not getting along well. Each of them think, “If I do what I think should work, it should get better!” So, they keep doing the same stuff… they peddle harder and faster, trying to “make it happen.” Unfortunately, they’re usually going in the wrong direction, and going there harder and faster! Sincere effort is not the answer… as a matter of fact, it usually becomes a cop-out! “I’ve done this, this, and that, and it doesn’t make any difference! NOTHING I do is enough for you!”

 Guys, if you want a happy wife who isn’t always frustrated with you, I’d like to suggest that you can ONLY achieve that by understanding her communication style, and helping her FEEL an emotional connection with you. She tries to connect with you and bring you into the nest. You walk in the door and think you’re there, but you’ve only walked through the house door. You don’t get throught the nest door until SHE OPENS IT for you! If your wife is chatting away about her day, or asking about your day, or telling you her frustrations, she’s doing her connecting dance. If you will embrace the dance, you’re in the nest! If you withdraw or get defensive she will feel rejected and that you don’t care. Is this what you’re doing?

 Girls, if you want a happy husband who is attentive and willing to connect with you, I’d like to suggest you can ONLY achieve that by understanding his communication style, give him space and time to shift gears into the family mode, and help him FEEL respect for who he is and what he does. Don’t do your connecting dance as soon as he enters the house. Tell him you’re glad to see him, but you want him to take a few minutes to unwind and shift gears. Tell him when he’s more in the family mode you’d like to do a little check-in chat and connect with him. Is THAT what you’re doing?

If what you’re doing is not getting good results, no matter how hard you try, will you agree that doing something different might produce a better result? If you can do that mind-shift, it means you are teachable…  we can take the same amount of sincere effort you’ve been faithful to offer, put it to work with something different, and get the results you want.

 Try… maybethis: There are myriad issues that we face in marriage, and efforts that we think should work that are dysfunctional. If we can’t seem to get the issues  resolved (out of our space… see the last post), we need to look at WHAT we’re doing and make some changes. This is where a good counselor or coach can be a BIG help! But, the best place to find out what to do differently is to ask the expert… that’s your spouse! ASK THEM… and LISTEN… then ask, “What would that look like to you?” ($1,000,000 question). You cannot put yourself into their shoes… those shoes won’t fit! Stop trying to understand and start trying to do what they say. Understanding or “making sense” out of their needs is not the goal… that doesn’t matter… it’s doing the right thing that matters… it’s getting results that matters. When your partner tells you what they want… what they are missing… always ask them, “What would that look like?”
Then go to, “What do WE need to do to make that happen for you? I WANT that for you!”

NOW you’re talkin MY language!!

 If you’re having trouble making your spouse feel connected, or respected. Drop me an email jbeardduck@earthlink.net and we’ll take a look at it.

 Maybe the next post: Communication styles… they’re so different!

 Blessings,
Jim