Trust, Honesty, and Forgivenss: Seven Steps to “Move On” From Hurt

Trust, honesty, and forgiveness are three relational necessities or essential qualities that will keep a close relationship growing in intimacy and connectedness. These three concepts must constantly be used in thought and action. If you don’t trust me, you will withdraw from me and isolate yourself in a protective mode.

Bottom line, when I have hurt you or offended you, it is a betrayal of your sense of safety with me. When I have betrayed you, you will have difficulty trusting me into the future.

Most people will tell you that trust must be earned! Well, I think that our behaving in a trustworthy manner consistently does deepen and solidify other’s trust of us, but how does it begin? Look at this example:

Let’s suggest that you and I meet at some occasion and begin a nice chat… We kind of like each other and want to expand our new “relationship.” We agree to meet for lunch next Wednesday at noon. I show up to have lunch with you… why do I do that? Because I trust that you will be there. I barely know you, but I “trust that you will be there.” If you show up to have lunch with me, what is the process that got you there? For starters, it was a decision to trust me…that I would be there to meet you. That decision is the foundation of the rest of the action you took to “be there.” Why would you take the risk? Because we are driven for relationship… more social interaction… we want to be friends… that is our direction away from isolation and loneliness… it’s our nature… If either one of us fails to “be there,” offering a “lame” excuse, the risk was not rewarded, and we will probably move on in our search for intimacy… we’re no longer friends.

Trust begins, and is sustained by the decision to do so… “no risk, no reward!” In all relationships other than family, we can have control over who we “relation” with. If we decide they’re not safe, or worth our investment with them, we can cut it off and leave… not so easy with family…

So, when we are hurt or offended by family our trust is compromised just as it is with friends. We can leave if we want to, but we cannot change the fact they are family. In a marriage… in relationship with children… leaving is a poor option. What other options might be available?

Try, maybethis:

1)      Make a conscious effort to not judge.

1. Nobody is perfect
2. 90% of our hurting each other is unintended
3. NOTHING is unacceptable in a relationship if repentance is offered
4. I have been guilty of hurting others, so I cannot judge

2)      Be honest and tell them how you feel

1. If the offense was unintended, they don’t know
2. They are different from you and would not have reacted the way you have
3. Ask them not to require you to justify your feelings… just hear them
4. Tell them your feelings are not up for negotiation

 3)      Tell them that you want to forgive them, but you’re not sure they recognize their responsibility for the offense. 

1. Ask them if they understand how you were hurt
2. They can’t repent (change directions) if they don’t know which way to go

4)      If they don’t offer an apology outright, ask them for one.

1. Look for remorse (sorrow for hurting you)
2. Ask them to repent (change directions)

(If you don’t receive a remorseful and repentant apology it may be difficult to proceed. Return to step #1.)

5)      Ask them if you can count on them in the future to refrain from the thing that caused the offense.

1. This behavior may be difficult for their personality type to control… It may be their natural tendency.
2. If they are not 100% sure they understand, or can control the behavior, ask them how you may be able to help. (Yes, helping in this  is your responsibility! Personality doesn’t change much, but behavior can!)

6)      If their desire is to repent (change directions), and they are reasonably remorseful (sorry they hurt you), decide to forgive them and work the forgiveness process (see below).

7)      Decide to trust them at their word, and move on with your relationship.

1. Each time we hit a hard place in a relationship and navigate it successfully, our relationship strengthens, deepens, and increases in true safety.
2. Hard places are not fun, but they are very beneficial as a catalyst to intimacy.

In the case of a minor offense, this process could take less than an hour… in the case of a major offense, it may take healing, extended remorse, and time to make the decisions to forgive and to trust again, but the process is the same.

What is forgiveness? I think forgiveness is a decision we make, because we want to do so. It involves grace (undeserved favor) and mercy (withheld punishment), and affects the inner condition of the hearts involved. The forgiving heart sheds anger and depression, which opens the door to peace. The forgiven heart receives acceptance, mercy, and reinstatement. Why do I want to forgive? Because God tells me to, and to be free of the anger and resentment that unforgiveness imprisons within me (that’s one of the reasons He tells me to… He thinks it’s a good idea). Forgiveness is not a one-shot decision with immediate results. We must consciously decide again and again… pray for them… over time the feelings of anger and resentment will disappear.

The rewards of honesty, forgiveness, and trust are found in successful and meaningful relationships. The pitfalls are in our risk to be hurt by someone we love… by someone we can’t walk away from.

Forgiveness begins with the decision to do so… Trust begins, and is held, by the decision to do so… Love begins, and grows, when we decide to act loving, especially when we don’t feel like it! It’s not all about me… It’s about the relationship… it’s about us!

The question is, “What can I do to make this better?”

Blessings,

Jim

Differences Between Us: Communication Styles

As many of you read in my last post about the rigidity of one’s personality after adolescence and the realities of our personality differences, it is not a matter of being a certain way with no recourse for change. It is a matter of accepting and understanding our differences so that we can change behavior in order to better meet the needs of our spouse. In addition, it is our opportunity to love unconditionally in spite of their behavior that may frustrate us. For us to judge behaviors which are tied to certain personality differences between us as “unacceptable” is similar to deciding that a certain female characteristic of our wife is “unacceptable” whenever we would rather she, at the moment, act more like a man, and vise versa. The same goes for the differences in our communication styles… again, the question is, if my partner’s style is bothering me, what can I do to make it better for us both?

What are some communication styles that tend to precipitate interpersonal train wrecks? Well, here are just a few:

“think before I speak”                  versus              “speak before I think”
“logical/process”                           versus              “unstructured/free-thinker”
“facts speak for themselves”      versus              “emotions over-ride facts at the moment”
“deductor”                                       versus              “inductor”
“what I say is important”           versus              “how you say it is more important than what you say”
“state feelings directly”               versus              “express feelings indirectly”

Remember first of all, communication involves how we give information as well as how we receive it… exchanging information and sharing information.  Communication includes facts, ideas, desires, opinions, positions, feelings, and attitudes… it comes in the form of writing, speaking, touch, expression, and myriad body languages. And then… whatever we communicate will be interpreted by the receiver as if they had expressed it!

The way this works is that we receive what is communicated and then we have to “make sense out of it.” The first step in doing this is to think, “If I said that, under these circumstances, I would be communicating this: (fact/thought/opinion/feeling/desire.) Therefore, that is what I hear.”

Unfortunately, you are not the one speaking, and they are probably different from you. For instance, if an unstructured/free-thinking person says, “We’ve GOT to do something about this refrigerator! I HATE this kitchen!” The intention behind the communication is probably to express frustration that there are changes they want to make, but cannot do so for whatever reason. If another free-thinker is on the receiving end, they may hear just that… frustration… and accept it as such without feeling threatened. On the other hand, if a logical/Process person is receiving, they will tend to interpret the words as factual and literal. In order to make sense out of it, they decide that the speaker is planning to act on the literal statements, in spite of the fact that they cannot, for the reasons we have already discussed. The listener becomes defensive and reacts in their preferred defensive style (angry offense or angry withdrawal).

In reality, our communication is much more complex than these ideas suggest, but for the sake of keeping this short enough for you to read it through, I have tried to make them more concise and simplistic… If you look at the left side of the “versus” list, you will find the “what you hear is what I meant… read my lips” people. On the right side you have the “what you hear is often my expression of feelings… you need to de-code my words” people. To make matters more confusing, when a “read my lips” literal person speaks, a free-thinker will often try to de-code and read between the lines when nothing is there.

Try, Maybethis:

1)      Identify the communication style of your partner, and learn the “so what” of the differences between yours and theirs.
2)      Plan how you will respond to them if and when you are confused (Ask with patience).
3)      Accept that they will misinterpret your communications from time-to-time and your responsibility will be to clarify without defensiveness. This works both ways.
4)      If you interpret your partner’s communication to be offensive (they’re blaming me), ask them at the first inclination, “Am I the issue, or are you just really frustrated right now?”
5)      No matter what their response, ask them, “How can I help?”

It doesn’t matter how upset they may be, or how much blame they may throw around, your offer to help in spite of being “leaned on” is a wonderful de-escalator to frustration and anger. It puts you on the “high road” and begs them to come up and meet you there. It’s ok to be “leaned on” in a marriage. As a matter of fact, I’d say it is a responsibility to allow our spouse to take out frustration on us from time-to-time… who else better than someone who loves them? The problem is, when we are the one being leaned on, we interpret that someone who loves us shouldn’t do that… so, if they’re doing it, they must not really love us! Bull-dooky! Of course they love you! They’re upset… maybe at you… maybe at their situation… maybe because they have interpreted your behavior as unloving. So, reassure them of your love in spite of their lashing out… “How can I help?” is in-your-face loving… No, you don’t deserve all of the blame you may face, but frustration and anger have also caused you to do and say some embarrassing and inappropriate things too. Recognize and accept their frustration… offer to help… their anger softens and a relational problem is avoided. Things calm down and good communication continues. If you’re the one lashing out, apologize… “I’m sorry… I’m just frustrated and taking it out on you… let me try again.”

Differences in communication styles can be a mine field of misinterpretation, frustration, and hurt. Remember that 90% of the hurt we inflict is unintentional, because it originates from a misinterpretation. Identify, study, and accept who your spouse is… they’re not wrong, just different. Your job is to learn how to respond appropriately, instead of doing what comes naturally by reacting in self-defense. “You’re having a hard time… how can I help?”

Blessings,

Jim

Take Back Your Life From An Unruly Child: Three Things To Do

There are few children who don’t cause trouble when they voice their frustrations in a rude and caustic manner. Some parents handle it well, teaching the child that it’s ok to be angry, but certain angry behavior is unacceptable, and there are consequences for the decisions they make. Over time, the child learns how to handle anger as a symptom of frustration rather than as a vengeful tirade that he or she is entitled to. Other parents have more difficulty teaching their children this, or a similar functional process for handling anger… the child can become rude, vengeful, disrespectful, and decide they are entitled to this behavior.

Everyone gets frustrated and sometimes angry, when they don’t get what they want. Children have a harder time dealing with the disappointment and it often turns into an over-the-top angry outburst. If this happens more often than not, something needs to be done. If nothing is done, the child who has a hard time dealing with anger soon becomes an adult with an anger problem… much more difficult to change!

The key to changing the habits of an angry child is firm authority and consequences. Parental authority must be absolute for young children (check out the “Mushy Authority” article at the top of my Home page). The normal process of raising and maturing a child is to transfer that parental authority (and responsibility) to the child as they demonstrate they can accept it successfully. Problems arise when children:

a) don’t know who has the authority and try to take it
b) don’t accept the consequences of their decisions and try to blame others

The more often they succeed in taking authority they can’t handle and blaming others for their own consequences, the less they are able to mature into adulthood.

If you have a child like this, you have probably heard loud, arrogant, rude, and disrespectful comments like these:

“None of my friends have to do that! I’m not your slave!”
“You’re just trying to make me into a robot… do this, do that!”
“Everybody knows that’s not dangerous! You’re stupid!”
“You can’t make me do anything!”
“You’re so lame and hypocritical! I hate you!”
“You don’t love me… you just want to control me!”

(Lord, have mercy!)

What does a parent do who hears this kind of rebuke and argument regularly?

Try… MaybeThis:

From a position of firm authority… that means that your final word is just that… final!
1)      Ask the child to tell you what he or she wants/is upset about. For a younger child (age 2-10) say something like, “Your really having a hard time… come over here with me and tell me what you’re upset about.” Then, you LISTEN and encourage them to de-escalate and get it out. Don’t interrupt… listen respectfully. For an older child (10-18), say, “OK, I’m going to hush and listen to you… tell me what you want me to hear… tell me what is wrong… I’ll listen and I won’t interrupt.” Again, LISTEN and encourage them to talk without any challenge from you. When they’re done, thank them for telling you what they told you, and tell them, “Ok… let me think about that and we’ll talk again tomorrow.” (If they want something and a decision needs to be made today, only postpone for an hour or two.) When you talk with them again, tell them, “I thought about what you said… you had some valid points and I’m willing to let you do ABC, but not DEF.” or, “… you had some valid points, but I have to say no.”

Remember, it takes two to argue… tell them this is your decision, and you’re not going to argue or discuss it anymore.

2)      If a child states, “You can’t make me do anything, and I’m not going to do it!” You should say, “Yes, you’re right… I really can’t make you do anything… but you need to remember, you can’t make me do anything either. If you want something from me, you have to treat me with respect and be nice to me.”

3)      If the child berates you and continues to fuss and argue, just warn them with… “When you argue with me and don’t respect me, it takes a lot of my energy… it wears me out… please change the subject and be nice.” They probably won’t stop, but you don’t say anymore. The next day, when they ask you, or tell you to do something for them, just say, “Yesterday, I warned you to stop taking all my energy by arguing and being disrespectful to me… today, I have other things to do and other people in my life to take care of, and I don’t have any energy for you… You’ll have to figure it out yourself.” “Yes, that means I’m not taking you to soccer/dance/friend’s house/etc.” “Yes, that means I’m not making lunch for you, or ironing your shirt, or brushing your hair this morning.” “I just don’t have the energy for you today.” “Yes, that means I’m not furnishing you with a car/insurance/allowance etc. If you want those things, you have to be nice to me. You can’t make me give those things to you.”

Above all… you must be firm and stop arguing with them. Accept your parental responsibility for firm authority. Allow your children to suffer the consequences of their decisions. They can easily decide to be nice and cooperative if there are significant consequences when they aren’t. Let the consequences be the “bad guy,” not you! There’s not a child in the world who doesn’t learn to respect a hot burner on a stove if given the opportunity! Why? Because the consequences are immediate, firm, and absolute… Let me know how it goes.

Blessings
Jim

Peddle Faster, or Go In A Different Direction?

Many of my clients come into marriage counseling because they are trying as hard as they can, but their efforts are not achieving the results they expect. Both of them are very frustrated, because they love and care for each other… they both believe that… but they’re still not getting along well. Each of them think, “If I do what I think should work, it should get better!” So, they keep doing the same stuff… they peddle harder and faster, trying to “make it happen.” Unfortunately, they’re usually going in the wrong direction, and going there harder and faster! Sincere effort is not the answer… as a matter of fact, it usually becomes a cop-out! “I’ve done this, this, and that, and it doesn’t make any difference! NOTHING I do is enough for you!”

 Guys, if you want a happy wife who isn’t always frustrated with you, I’d like to suggest that you can ONLY achieve that by understanding her communication style, and helping her FEEL an emotional connection with you. She tries to connect with you and bring you into the nest. You walk in the door and think you’re there, but you’ve only walked through the house door. You don’t get throught the nest door until SHE OPENS IT for you! If your wife is chatting away about her day, or asking about your day, or telling you her frustrations, she’s doing her connecting dance. If you will embrace the dance, you’re in the nest! If you withdraw or get defensive she will feel rejected and that you don’t care. Is this what you’re doing?

 Girls, if you want a happy husband who is attentive and willing to connect with you, I’d like to suggest you can ONLY achieve that by understanding his communication style, give him space and time to shift gears into the family mode, and help him FEEL respect for who he is and what he does. Don’t do your connecting dance as soon as he enters the house. Tell him you’re glad to see him, but you want him to take a few minutes to unwind and shift gears. Tell him when he’s more in the family mode you’d like to do a little check-in chat and connect with him. Is THAT what you’re doing?

If what you’re doing is not getting good results, no matter how hard you try, will you agree that doing something different might produce a better result? If you can do that mind-shift, it means you are teachable…  we can take the same amount of sincere effort you’ve been faithful to offer, put it to work with something different, and get the results you want.

 Try… maybethis: There are myriad issues that we face in marriage, and efforts that we think should work that are dysfunctional. If we can’t seem to get the issues  resolved (out of our space… see the last post), we need to look at WHAT we’re doing and make some changes. This is where a good counselor or coach can be a BIG help! But, the best place to find out what to do differently is to ask the expert… that’s your spouse! ASK THEM… and LISTEN… then ask, “What would that look like to you?” ($1,000,000 question). You cannot put yourself into their shoes… those shoes won’t fit! Stop trying to understand and start trying to do what they say. Understanding or “making sense” out of their needs is not the goal… that doesn’t matter… it’s doing the right thing that matters… it’s getting results that matters. When your partner tells you what they want… what they are missing… always ask them, “What would that look like?”
Then go to, “What do WE need to do to make that happen for you? I WANT that for you!”

NOW you’re talkin MY language!!

 If you’re having trouble making your spouse feel connected, or respected. Drop me an email jbeardduck@earthlink.net and we’ll take a look at it.

 Maybe the next post: Communication styles… they’re so different!

 Blessings,
Jim

Six Simple Steps to Get Unresolved Issues Out of Your Space!

Think of your relationship “space” as your life and time spent together… There is only so much “space” that the two of you have. We want our space to be free of tension and conflict… full of joy and peace (happiness).

But… here comes an issue or problem that we don’t agree on.

It’s in our space and it is like an open wound… it’s painful and bothersome.

Issues take our focus, attention, and energy… we need to deal with them (resolve them) and get them out of our space!

If we are successful, we get our space back… if we aren’t, the issue only gets BIGGER!

Then, we have other issues coming at us and we wonder, “What has happened to our space?… our joy and peace?”

Now, we have no time for the “good life,” no resolution, plenty of tension, mostly blame and conflict in our space! This is not the way God wants us to live!

Try, MaybeThis:Pick the most stressful or worrisome issue and decide to discuss it again with the following process:

1. One of you goes first to state your position on the issue. This means that the other gives undivided and respectful attention.
   Listen without interruption or comment
   Encourage the speaker to clarify (without sarcasm)
   When they are finished, repeat back their main points and ask, “Do I get it?”
2. When you “get it,” take your turn to state your position.
   The first speaker is now the “active listener” and respectfully does what you just did to “get it.”
3. Now, each of you write down the options that would solve the problem of your position.
   It is very important to do this in writing… that gets you focused and removes emotional influence for the moment.
4. Come together and compare options to see if any are mutually satisfying to solve the problem for both of you.
5. Talk about them and negotiate changes to see if you can work out a mutual solution.
   The hard part is to keep the negotiation respectful and calm. If you have trouble with defensiveness
   go back and review the “How to deal with defensive maneuvering…” Listen, listen, listen!
6. If you still do not agree on a solution, agree to disagree, and postpone the discussion.
   Postpone means: Determine when or if, a drop-dead date is imminent. If there is, set a date before to re-visit the issue.
   Setting the next date to discuss means that you do not talk about it until then.
   DID YOU HEAR THAT??? DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE!

This will remove the tension between you, allow you both to put the issue on the shelf, and successfully get it out of your space. You can still think about it… pray about it, but do not talk about it. There can be no peace if your partner cannot trust you to let it go for now.

 

Enjoy your space back! Use it lovingly…

1. When the re-visit date arrives, come back together to discuss… re-state your positions respectfully (accept any changes from each other… it is legal to change your mind!)
2. Ask each other, has anything changed in the positions, the options, or the situation from “outside” the relationship?
3. Re-negotiate respectfully the options available, and again see if you can achieve resolution (this is WORK!).
4. If you still cannot come to a mutual solution, again, agree to disagree and cease the discussion.
5. Since the drop-dead date is here, I know no other way to get the issue out of your space than one of you stating:
   “I am going to let you lead this time.”
   “You lead” does not mean that “you win!,” it means, “I will come along beside you and together
   we will do our best to make your options work.”

Yes, “opposites do attract!” You are very different people… you each brought your individuality to this relationship, and I do not believe that God designed each of you the way He did so that you could melt into a coupleness soup. Yes, “one flesh”, but with who you are still intact. You will disagree, and that’s ok! But you must do so with respect and acceptance if you are to avoid the conflict and tension.

The above is a great way to get into, and out of, the issues that bombard us. Our relational space is so precious! We can protect it by resolving our issues, or by putting them on hold and moving them out of our space for now. When we still cannot agree, I believe that it is by design that our individual gifts and talents will rise to the top and be allowed to lead when we use this process faithfully. Together, our gifts are more effective against the onslaught of the world, but THE KEY to it working is both of us agreeing that our relationship is more important than my need to be right!

 

Try the process… get your issues out of your space and enjoy the peace.

Blessings…

Jim

Relational Boundaries: Change the “rules of engagement”, not the person!

Why are some people so difficult? What can we do when others are obnoxious or too pushy or demanding or selfish or “in my space!” etc. etc. etc.? I often have clients who come in for counseling and bemoan a particular relationship that is out of control…

“I just can’t stand being around them when they act like that!”

“Being around my (brother, sister, mother, father, friend, you name it) is unbearable… it takes all of my energy… it makes me so ANGRY!”

I ask them, “Why do you put up with it?”

They often say, “It’s just the way they ARE! They’ll never change and I’m STUCK with them!”

Someone said a long time ago, “You CAN choose your friends, but you CAN’T choose your family!” Well, I guess we can decide that obnoxious friends can be “let go.” We can decide that we don’t want them as friends anymore… But what can we do with challenging relationships that are family? How about in-laws? And, if we liked someone enough to make them a “friend” before, do we really want to “let them go”, because we can’t handle them… because they are constantly over-stepping into our space?

“Good fences make good neighbors…” I don’t know who coined that, but it reflects serious wisdom. I like to say that fences are like the “boundaries” of our relationships. This is MY space (my privacy… my territory… my emotions… my time… my man… my woman… my whatever) and if you don’t respect it, I will have to build a fence… it will have one gate through it, and I will have the only key to the gate!

A relational boundary, like a fence, doesn’t change the person who has violated your space; it just changes the “rules of engagement” and subsequently, keeps their obnoxious behavior out of your space. I think that trying to “change” people is a large waste of energy, and a most frustrating endeavor, because God made people like He wanted… their environment “shaped” them for their first 5-7 years, and there you have it (there you have THEM)! We’ll go deeper into that in a future post…

Some of the more common relationships that cause stress are the ones between married couples and their parents… or maybe their in-laws. (Can you imagine that?!!!) Some parents have a hard time allowing their children to actually become adults. Over the years of a child’s development, the parental role MUST change at different age levels. As a newborn, the parents protect, feed, and nurture their baby. As a toddler and adolescent, they add training and teaching. As a teenager, they do less training and teaching, less protecting, less providing (one gets what they want by working for it), and begin mentoring. When the children get into mid-twenties, perhaps get married and have their own children, their parents should be MOSTLY mentoring. It is at this point that the children can become adult peers of their parents and a functional friendship is possible, adult-to-adult. When parents or in-laws continue to feel the need to “teach” and “train” their adult children, the results will be very stressful for the children, and can be disastrous for all. So what are we to do?

If this is a problem for you, try… maybethis…

BUILD A FENCE! … WHAT?!! That’s right… build a fence around your space and change the dynamics of the relationship.

Scenario: A young married couple… Mom comes over to visit… she looks around the living room and goes to the sofa and rearranges the pillows. She straightens the magazines on the coffee table with a huff… Then she says, “Susan (speaking to her daughter), doesn’t Steve (son-in-law) complain to you about the way you keep this house? I KNOW I taught you better than this! Well, never mind! It’s none of my business! So, did you ever find a yard man? I know you were disappointed with how your garden turned out. There are lots of professionals out there who are looking for work these days…”

How is Susan feeling at this point? Hurt… offended… angry… embarrassed… insecure… a failure! Is Susan a failure? I don’t think so, but Mom treats her so. She could say, “Mom, I know I’m not perfect, but this is MY house. When you criticize me like you just did, it makes me angry, and I don’t want to feel that way about you… I love you and when you hurt me like that I want to run. I really WANT to be with you and I don’t want to be angry with you, so let’s change the subject.”

Do you think that Mom will “get it” and change her behavior after these loving and logical statements? Probably not…Her NEED for Susan to continue to be a child and “need” her mother’s teaching and training is stronger than logic. It WILL happen again… maybe during this same visit!

What would an appropriate “fence” look like for Susan to set up for Mom’s intrusions? Well, it needs to let Mom know that “being with Susan” (staying inside the fence) depends on her own behavior. Now that Susan has made the lovingly logical statements above, the next time it happens she needs to repeat, “Mom, this is making me angry, and I love you… I don’t want to feel this way about you… let’s change the subject.” Mom persists… Susan says, “Mom, this isn’t working for me, so if you can’t change the subject I’m going to have to ask you to leave now”.

Susan has just built her fence! It’s a very tough thing to do, but the results will change the dynamics of the relationship from now on! … from “parent-&-child” to “adult-&-adult.”

Come on, Jim! Do you think Mom is going to just “take” this insult and “roll over”? No, I don’t… this is the very tough part… Mom will probably react aggressively and go “all out” to belittle her wayward and disrespectful child… to “put her in her place” (I’m the mother… you’re the child)! Susan calmly states, “Mom I love you and I don’t like being angry with you… If you won’t change the subject, you’ll have to leave.” Mom still persists, not backing down… Susan says, “Ok, I’m going into my bedroom. I’ll see you later.” Go into the bedroom and close the door. (If there are no children around, you might say that YOU’RE leaving… get into your car and go!) Mom might play the “victim” and put on the martyr act… “How could you be so mean to your MOTHER?” DO NOT apologize! “Mom, I love you and I appreciate your concern, but this is MY house and I did warn you.” Remember that if Mom doesn’t approve of what’s in YOUR space, that’s HER problem, not yours! You have to let her OWN her problem, not force it on you!

This is really hard to do the first time… I am very aware of that… If you are Susan, it will take planning and LOTS of courage… but, it will change your life…it will give you and your mother the chance to become peers, and, mutually respectful friends! I GUARANTEE positive results if you stand your ground. Do not apologize when she fusses about it later. “Mom, I warned you… It hurts me when you intrude into my space. I want to be with you, but I can’t when you treat me like that.”

If Susan lives far away in another city and the intrusion is over the phone, it works the same way. If Mom wants to “be with” Susan, there is a specific level of behavior that will get her kicked outside of the fence… “Mom, if you can’t change the subject, I’ll have to hang up… Mom persists… “Click!”

 I promise… Susan won’t have to do this more than two or three times for Mom to get the rules straight. When she hears, “Mom I love you, and this isn’t working for me…” She will say, “Oh! I’m sorry… By the way, did you pick out your new wall paper for the kitchen?… You have SUCH good taste! I can’t wait to see what you came up with!”

Enjoy your new friend!

Blessings,

Jim

How do I handle her Feelings?

How do I deal with her feelings? Most men can identify with that question, whether they’re married or not. In a close relationship with a female, a man is very often overwhelmed by the myriad emotional outbursts and emotional “swings” of his girl…

“Where did that come from?”

“Sometimes I have no idea where I stand with her!”

“One minute we’re doing just fine, the next, and for no apparent reason, I’m the bad guy… again!”

Well, may I suggest maybe this? She is upset with you now, because you did not accept her feelings when she tried to express them. Let me guess…

• She tried to tell you how she felt… (Frustrated about a number of things, including you.)
• Probably exaggerated some… (words like “always” and “never” and “no one” and “everyone”).
• Probably covered 3-4 different subjects at the same time…
• You became confused and tried to make sense out of it by being logical and rational…
• You became defensive about the stuff pointed at you…
• You probably tried to help her by offering solutions, but used your favorite prioritizing problem-solving method…
• The focus of her anger turned towards you instead of her original issues…
• Now, you’re the bad guy…

So… how can a man handle something like this that is so unnatural for a man to appreciate, much less for a man to understand? Let’s go to “Feelings 101.” We begin with some givens:

1. A feeling is a “spontaneous inner reaction to people and events in our lives.”
2. Feelings are neither right, nor wrong, they just happen (remember spontaneous).
3. Feelings occur after we have (1) observed and (2) interpreted meaning (the observation could be actual, or provided in our thoughts.)
4. Every action that we take is either rooted in our feelings at the time, or at leased influenced by them.
5. Therefore, (1) we observe, (2) we interpret, (3) we feel, and (4) we react.
6. Feelings are real and important, but they don’t always point to the truth.
7. Most men have a much greater ability to compartmentalize issues (put them up on the shelf in a cubby hole) than women do, therefore moving away from associated feelings is much easier for them.
8. Most men have difficulty relating to the processes that women use to deal with frustration and negative feelings, therefore, they become impatient, demanding, rejecting, and even arrogant towards the one they would really like to help.
9. Most women very often make factual statements (often exaggerated) to express underlying feelings. Men generally don’t know that and hear only the facts, trying to make sense out of them.
10. Men often stumble off the cliff under their own power because of these differences.

Solutions 101: Try MaybeThis?

1. Stop asking questions that you think will help you understand. You can’t understand! You’re a man. You’re just wired differently.
2. Accept the fact that she is having the feelings, don’t question or challenge them, and above all, don’t make suggestions to help her fix the problems.
3. Listen to her and encourage her to talk… express herself… support her with statements that let her know you’re listening, you care, and you don’t think less of her because the way she’s handling all of this doesn’t make sense to you.
4. If she continues with the factual statements, ask her how that makes her feel…
5. Get her to express as many feelings as possible… listen and accept them…
6. When she’s through, you say, “Thank you for sharing all of that with me… I know you’re having a hard time… Is there something you need from me right now?”
7. DO NOT go back to the parts about her frustration with YOU! DO NOT defend yourself! Allowing her to “get it off her chest” without challenge will take care of 90% of her frustration.
8. It doesn’t matter whether she was right or wrong with the facts (feelings don’t always point to the truth) … she DID HAVE THE FEELINGS. You cannot argue with them… remember spontaneous?

Bottom line, when your girl is frustrated (you can usually tell from her body language), get her to verbalize her feelings… “Come sit here with me and tell me what’s on your heart” … Listen to her and support her in her frustration.

If she is really upset with you, and you think she’s justified at all, apologize. Don’t make excuses, just say “I’m sorry!… that was not my intention.” If you don’t think she is justified, listen to the end, and say, “I hear you… I’ll think about it… let me process it and we can talk tomorrow.” You do not have to agree with her, or even understand why she feels these things… just HEAR them and accept them as real for her.

You want her to leave this encounter with you, feeling heard, and not challenged! DO NOT discuss any of it after she’s through. If she asks for your opinion, or wants to discuss it, say, “Let me think about it and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

If you can do this on a regular basis, it will change your life… If your issues with your girl’s feelings have a different twist, or manifest in a different way, let me know what goes on and we’ll see what we can do. If you’re the emotional one and she’s the logistician, help her do some of this for you…

What do you think?

Jim Beard