Trust, Honesty, and Forgivenss: Seven Steps to “Move On” From Hurt

Trust, honesty, and forgiveness are three relational necessities or essential qualities that will keep a close relationship growing in intimacy and connectedness. These three concepts must constantly be used in thought and action. If you don’t trust me, you will withdraw from me and isolate yourself in a protective mode.

Bottom line, when I have hurt you or offended you, it is a betrayal of your sense of safety with me. When I have betrayed you, you will have difficulty trusting me into the future.

Most people will tell you that trust must be earned! Well, I think that our behaving in a trustworthy manner consistently does deepen and solidify other’s trust of us, but how does it begin? Look at this example:

Let’s suggest that you and I meet at some occasion and begin a nice chat… We kind of like each other and want to expand our new “relationship.” We agree to meet for lunch next Wednesday at noon. I show up to have lunch with you… why do I do that? Because I trust that you will be there. I barely know you, but I “trust that you will be there.” If you show up to have lunch with me, what is the process that got you there? For starters, it was a decision to trust me…that I would be there to meet you. That decision is the foundation of the rest of the action you took to “be there.” Why would you take the risk? Because we are driven for relationship… more social interaction… we want to be friends… that is our direction away from isolation and loneliness… it’s our nature… If either one of us fails to “be there,” offering a “lame” excuse, the risk was not rewarded, and we will probably move on in our search for intimacy… we’re no longer friends.

Trust begins, and is sustained by the decision to do so… “no risk, no reward!” In all relationships other than family, we can have control over who we “relation” with. If we decide they’re not safe, or worth our investment with them, we can cut it off and leave… not so easy with family…

So, when we are hurt or offended by family our trust is compromised just as it is with friends. We can leave if we want to, but we cannot change the fact they are family. In a marriage… in relationship with children… leaving is a poor option. What other options might be available?

Try, maybethis:

1)      Make a conscious effort to not judge.

1. Nobody is perfect
2. 90% of our hurting each other is unintended
3. NOTHING is unacceptable in a relationship if repentance is offered
4. I have been guilty of hurting others, so I cannot judge

2)      Be honest and tell them how you feel

1. If the offense was unintended, they don’t know
2. They are different from you and would not have reacted the way you have
3. Ask them not to require you to justify your feelings… just hear them
4. Tell them your feelings are not up for negotiation

 3)      Tell them that you want to forgive them, but you’re not sure they recognize their responsibility for the offense. 

1. Ask them if they understand how you were hurt
2. They can’t repent (change directions) if they don’t know which way to go

4)      If they don’t offer an apology outright, ask them for one.

1. Look for remorse (sorrow for hurting you)
2. Ask them to repent (change directions)

(If you don’t receive a remorseful and repentant apology it may be difficult to proceed. Return to step #1.)

5)      Ask them if you can count on them in the future to refrain from the thing that caused the offense.

1. This behavior may be difficult for their personality type to control… It may be their natural tendency.
2. If they are not 100% sure they understand, or can control the behavior, ask them how you may be able to help. (Yes, helping in this  is your responsibility! Personality doesn’t change much, but behavior can!)

6)      If their desire is to repent (change directions), and they are reasonably remorseful (sorry they hurt you), decide to forgive them and work the forgiveness process (see below).

7)      Decide to trust them at their word, and move on with your relationship.

1. Each time we hit a hard place in a relationship and navigate it successfully, our relationship strengthens, deepens, and increases in true safety.
2. Hard places are not fun, but they are very beneficial as a catalyst to intimacy.

In the case of a minor offense, this process could take less than an hour… in the case of a major offense, it may take healing, extended remorse, and time to make the decisions to forgive and to trust again, but the process is the same.

What is forgiveness? I think forgiveness is a decision we make, because we want to do so. It involves grace (undeserved favor) and mercy (withheld punishment), and affects the inner condition of the hearts involved. The forgiving heart sheds anger and depression, which opens the door to peace. The forgiven heart receives acceptance, mercy, and reinstatement. Why do I want to forgive? Because God tells me to, and to be free of the anger and resentment that unforgiveness imprisons within me (that’s one of the reasons He tells me to… He thinks it’s a good idea). Forgiveness is not a one-shot decision with immediate results. We must consciously decide again and again… pray for them… over time the feelings of anger and resentment will disappear.

The rewards of honesty, forgiveness, and trust are found in successful and meaningful relationships. The pitfalls are in our risk to be hurt by someone we love… by someone we can’t walk away from.

Forgiveness begins with the decision to do so… Trust begins, and is held, by the decision to do so… Love begins, and grows, when we decide to act loving, especially when we don’t feel like it! It’s not all about me… It’s about the relationship… it’s about us!

The question is, “What can I do to make this better?”

Blessings,

Jim

Differences Between Us: Communication Styles

As many of you read in my last post about the rigidity of one’s personality after adolescence and the realities of our personality differences, it is not a matter of being a certain way with no recourse for change. It is a matter of accepting and understanding our differences so that we can change behavior in order to better meet the needs of our spouse. In addition, it is our opportunity to love unconditionally in spite of their behavior that may frustrate us. For us to judge behaviors which are tied to certain personality differences between us as “unacceptable” is similar to deciding that a certain female characteristic of our wife is “unacceptable” whenever we would rather she, at the moment, act more like a man, and vise versa. The same goes for the differences in our communication styles… again, the question is, if my partner’s style is bothering me, what can I do to make it better for us both?

What are some communication styles that tend to precipitate interpersonal train wrecks? Well, here are just a few:

“think before I speak”                  versus              “speak before I think”
“logical/process”                           versus              “unstructured/free-thinker”
“facts speak for themselves”      versus              “emotions over-ride facts at the moment”
“deductor”                                       versus              “inductor”
“what I say is important”           versus              “how you say it is more important than what you say”
“state feelings directly”               versus              “express feelings indirectly”

Remember first of all, communication involves how we give information as well as how we receive it… exchanging information and sharing information.  Communication includes facts, ideas, desires, opinions, positions, feelings, and attitudes… it comes in the form of writing, speaking, touch, expression, and myriad body languages. And then… whatever we communicate will be interpreted by the receiver as if they had expressed it!

The way this works is that we receive what is communicated and then we have to “make sense out of it.” The first step in doing this is to think, “If I said that, under these circumstances, I would be communicating this: (fact/thought/opinion/feeling/desire.) Therefore, that is what I hear.”

Unfortunately, you are not the one speaking, and they are probably different from you. For instance, if an unstructured/free-thinking person says, “We’ve GOT to do something about this refrigerator! I HATE this kitchen!” The intention behind the communication is probably to express frustration that there are changes they want to make, but cannot do so for whatever reason. If another free-thinker is on the receiving end, they may hear just that… frustration… and accept it as such without feeling threatened. On the other hand, if a logical/Process person is receiving, they will tend to interpret the words as factual and literal. In order to make sense out of it, they decide that the speaker is planning to act on the literal statements, in spite of the fact that they cannot, for the reasons we have already discussed. The listener becomes defensive and reacts in their preferred defensive style (angry offense or angry withdrawal).

In reality, our communication is much more complex than these ideas suggest, but for the sake of keeping this short enough for you to read it through, I have tried to make them more concise and simplistic… If you look at the left side of the “versus” list, you will find the “what you hear is what I meant… read my lips” people. On the right side you have the “what you hear is often my expression of feelings… you need to de-code my words” people. To make matters more confusing, when a “read my lips” literal person speaks, a free-thinker will often try to de-code and read between the lines when nothing is there.

Try, Maybethis:

1)      Identify the communication style of your partner, and learn the “so what” of the differences between yours and theirs.
2)      Plan how you will respond to them if and when you are confused (Ask with patience).
3)      Accept that they will misinterpret your communications from time-to-time and your responsibility will be to clarify without defensiveness. This works both ways.
4)      If you interpret your partner’s communication to be offensive (they’re blaming me), ask them at the first inclination, “Am I the issue, or are you just really frustrated right now?”
5)      No matter what their response, ask them, “How can I help?”

It doesn’t matter how upset they may be, or how much blame they may throw around, your offer to help in spite of being “leaned on” is a wonderful de-escalator to frustration and anger. It puts you on the “high road” and begs them to come up and meet you there. It’s ok to be “leaned on” in a marriage. As a matter of fact, I’d say it is a responsibility to allow our spouse to take out frustration on us from time-to-time… who else better than someone who loves them? The problem is, when we are the one being leaned on, we interpret that someone who loves us shouldn’t do that… so, if they’re doing it, they must not really love us! Bull-dooky! Of course they love you! They’re upset… maybe at you… maybe at their situation… maybe because they have interpreted your behavior as unloving. So, reassure them of your love in spite of their lashing out… “How can I help?” is in-your-face loving… No, you don’t deserve all of the blame you may face, but frustration and anger have also caused you to do and say some embarrassing and inappropriate things too. Recognize and accept their frustration… offer to help… their anger softens and a relational problem is avoided. Things calm down and good communication continues. If you’re the one lashing out, apologize… “I’m sorry… I’m just frustrated and taking it out on you… let me try again.”

Differences in communication styles can be a mine field of misinterpretation, frustration, and hurt. Remember that 90% of the hurt we inflict is unintentional, because it originates from a misinterpretation. Identify, study, and accept who your spouse is… they’re not wrong, just different. Your job is to learn how to respond appropriately, instead of doing what comes naturally by reacting in self-defense. “You’re having a hard time… how can I help?”

Blessings,

Jim

Differences Between Us: Personality

There are many differences that we recognize and accept as we learn more and more about each other. In a marriage relationship the differences between men and women are what attract us… they are fun… mysterious… exciting… but also frustrating! Significant differences include family background, education, communication style, experiences, and personality. All of these are what make up our individual “package” that we bring to the relationship, and each part of our package has the potential to create conflict and disappointment… just because we are different.

In this post, let’s talk about personality differences. I believe we are each born with particular personality traits which we inherit from our family. These traits are in our genes… we’re hard-wired to respond to our world in certain ways. Over the first six years or so of life, our environment massages these traits and we develop our sense of the world, how we fit into it, and how we cope with it. We are much more susceptible to environmental influences during this time than we will ever be again. By adolescence, our personality is fairly well set.

What are some of these traits?

A major trait difference can be introversion versus extroversion… Do other people give you energy, or do they cost you energy? Do you re-charge your batteries by being with people, or by being alone?

How about relationships versus task orientation? Do you protect relationships at all costs while pursuing tasks, or does completing the task well, have precedence over any relationships involved along the way? If a good friend seems cool and aloof around you, do you automatically think there is something wrong… they are upset with you… or do you think they’re probably having a bad day and they’ll get over it soon enough?

Then there is the optimist versus the pessimist… cup “half full” versus “half empty.” What is your basic attitude under stress?

And finally, a trait that I think may be one of the most important, yet the most misunderstood is the sense of one’s personal power. Is your sense of personal power high, or low? By this I mean, do you have a high and comfortable sense that you will prevail?… you will come out on top… that no matter what, you’ll figure it out when you need to?… “Full steam ahead!”…  Or do you worry that you may not be prepared and shouldn’t move forward until you have all the facts, or can join with a team of others to be sure all bases are covered? “Be cautious and correct… don’t make mistakes!”

Personality traits are most easily described on a continuum of one extreme to another, with most of us falling somewhere between the two extremes. Take optimist vs. pessimist… anyone can be excited about something and “present” an optimistic attitude at the time, but some people seem optimistic most of the time, even when facing disappointment. We might say they have a “very” or “extremely” optimistic outlook. Likewise, we all know someone who presents the cup as “half empty” most of the time… we would say that they are “very” or “extremely” pessimistic.

So what? Why are these personality differences so often the source of conflict? I believe it is because our human nature is to expect others to think like ourselves. If I’m all excited about something and I’m animated as I talk about it, I don’t appreciate your being pessimistic and negative and cautious.. I want you to CHANGE! I’m having fun! Be like me! Similarly, if you are working hard to complete a task and I suggest that you may be stepping on someone’s toes, or not being appreciative of their input, you may think that I don’t understand the importance of the task… “Get out of the kitchen if you can’t stand the heat… we’ve got work to do!” – – – Frustration – – – Hurt – – – CONFLICT!

Try, MaybeThis: Accept the fact that our personalities seldom change much after adolescence. Get to know and understand your own personality traits. Study them and discover how they manifest in your behavior. Then… do the same for your partner… work at it and understand how their traits differ from yours. The best way to get into this is by each of you taking a personality assessment. You can do many of them online. My favorite basic instrument, and the one I use and distribute most often in my practice is the DiSC Classic 2.0 Profile® from Inscape Publishing Co. The DiSC® covers the four basic behavioral dimensions of (D)ominance, (I)nfluencing, (S)teadiness, and (C)onscientiousness. You can score as having one, or a combination of two, or three of these dimensions making up your behavioral style. Your partner will most likely have a different combination. The D and C dimensions are the “task” people… the I and S dimensions are the “relational” people. The I and D dimensions cover the “high personal power” people, and the C and S dimensions cover the “lower personal power” people. Once you understand the differences and the “so what” of them, you can alter your behavior to suit your partner better, making your interactions more effective. Accept the fact that they cannot change who they are, so stop demanding that they do so! It is much more realistic to ask someone to give you more of what you need, than to demand that they change who they are!

You can find the DiSC® on the Web… it costs about $28-$45 per person at most sites, however, if you email me and request it, I can set it up for you for $23 as a visitor to my blog. Just give me your full names and an email address for each of you. You will get an invoice through PayPal, then you can complete the DiSC® online and print out your own 23-page report when you’re finished. I can hold this price at least for the next several weeks.

Always remember… It is impossible for us to observe our own behavior. We know what our intentions are when we are in action, but others have to decide what our intentions are by interpreting our behavior. The problem is, they can only do that from their own perspective… their own psyche and experience. We are SO different… not wrong, just different! The question we must ask in conflict or frustration is not to our partner, “What are YOU going to do about this?” or “When are YOU going to change?” The question should be to ourselves, “What can I do to make the FACT of this difference between us work FOR us instead of against us?”

Blessings,

Jim

What about ME! Can it ever be about ME?

When it’s all about me, that means I’m the deserving one… privileged… special… entitled… Yes, others are important, but not particularly right now…

When we are thinking about what we want, we are thinking about satisfying what we think is important. It may be something we want for ourselves, or something we want for someone else, but the bottom line is, it is what we want. It is about me, but is it all about me? I think that question is very significant and bears some probing. When we don’t get what we want, what is our frame of mind? Here are some possibilities:

Angry Annoyed Depressed Unappreciated Sad
Discouraged Unhappy Frustrated Surprised Sorrowful
Panicky Rebellious Helpless Worried Threatened

When we don’t get what we want our frame of mind changes to address the problem or to cope with the problem. Take another look at those words… notice anything they have in common? Yes, they’re mostly negative… What else? They’re all feelings. So, when we don’t get what we want, we have a series of negative feelings, and our frame of mind (attitude) is rooted in those feelings.

Though these feelings are spontaneous (that implies that we have little control over their appearing or happening within us), we do go through a mental process that results in them. Let me explain. As alert human beings, we are constantly observing our surroundings as we go about our efforts to get what we want. We receive and collect data through our five senses, or through intuition. Then we interpret what it means and its significance to us. It is at this point in the process of interpretation that our feelings emerge. Remember, we were in the process of getting our needs met (wants), and we failed. Now we have these negative feelings that are underpinning what we do next. Before we decided that we failed, we were probably feeling very different…

Remember: Observe… Interpret… Feel… Act

Check out this scenario: I’m hungry… I’m thinking about getting one of those beautiful Ruben sandwiches down at Gorducho’s Deli for lunch and I’m excited. I’m feeling confident and happy, and optimistic, and special on my way to Gorducho’s… but when I arrive I find that Gorducho’s is closed on Mondays… my feelings change as I interpret what this means to me… I can’t have my favorite sandwich after all! First, I am surprised, then I am annoyed, disappointed, frustrated, and possibly angry… Hmmmm… those negative feelings… now it’s action time.

Ok. If I manifest the attitude that, “it’s all about me,” then I will ponder all the facts (observe) that make it “someone else’s fault.” In other words, I deserve to get what I want, and it cannot be my fault that I did not. Someone else caused, or is responsible for the problem (interpret). In the case of my failure to get my Ruben sandwich, I will picture Mr. Gorducho, greedily eating a fine Ruben at his home instead of being a responsible business-owner, taking care of his most loyal customers on Mondays. It’s not fair! I am angry (feel)! I may leave him a nasty note taped to the entrance door of his deli stating my displeasure and perhaps the retributions I have planned on account of his disrespect (act). I may speed out of his parking lot, narrowly missing the A-framed sign emblazoned with, “We Serve Only the Best, With Only the Best Service, All the Time!” I’m beginning to hate Mr. Gorducho, and all the people who work there (attitude). I am in a foul mood, and reluctantly pull into “Maxine’s Mini-Burger Mayhem” for lunch. Maxine isn’t there, but I give everyone who is there “hell” during my stay, and they pray that Mr. Gorducho will one day open on Mondays.

Now, if my focus is not all about me, when I find the Deli closed, I think about Mr. Gorducho and his having a day off (observe). I ponder how hard Mr. Gorducho works and is even open on Saturdays. He does such good work and everyone needs time off (interpret). I hope he is having a relaxing day. It’s my fault that I’m disappointed… I should have remembered that he closes on Mondays. So, what am I going to do about it? I can’t have my Ruben, but what else do I like? Well, I’m kind of fond of Maxine’s Mini-burgers down at the Mayhem, and especially those home-fries she serves, so I’ll go there for lunch. I decide that Maxine’s will work for me! My feelings begin to spontaneously develop into “excited, confident, happy, optimistic, and special (feel).” I turn to Mr. Gorducho’s entrance, wave off a salute, and ease out into traffic towards Maxine’s (act). You see, we need each other. He makes the Ruben… I eat the Ruben… we have a complimentary relationship (attitude).

A marriage is also a complimentary relationship… remember? Two individuals, with different gifts? Two mules pulling the wagon in the same direction? But, when my needs are not met, and I am disappointed, I tend to fuss about it to the closest person around… just because… Complaining is the easiest and most fulfilling thing to do when one is frustrated! If I let it continue, I will soon be expecting the “closest person around” to fix my problem.

In a marriage, most conflict that goes unresolved, does so because one or both of the partners have the attitude that “it’s all about me, and my needs.” My need to get what I want, no matter if it is at your expense. When it’s at someone else’s expense, what we’re really saying is, “I’m more important than you.” That attitude promotes those negative feelings… our needs are not met, we’re upset, and we always behave out of our emotional place! If I blame my spouse for my unmet needs, there you have it! I’m angry… I behave angrily… she gets my wrath… she is “less-than”, and we’re both having a very bad moment…

Try… Maybethis: Think that “it’s all about US, not all about ME! Instead of wondering when someone else is going to fix your problem… (perhaps if you complain loud enough, or long enough, or aggressively enough), I suggest that you ask the question, “What am I going to do about it?…” If I fuss at Mr. Gorducho in my disappointment, it will cost him energy… the more energy he expends defending himself from me, the less energy he has for making my Ruben sandwich on Tuesdays. The more energy I expend fussing about Mr. Gorducho, the more foul my mood, the less others want to be around me, and the less I am able to enjoy my Ruben on Tuesdays.

“It’s all about us” means that we value our relationship to the point of being hyper-vigilant about what’s going on with our spouse… paying close attention to their needs. Neither of you are the other’s “better half,” and neither of you “complete” the other… You are complimentary to each other… When I give you my all, and you give me your all, we get the best Ruben! Your sense of fulfillment in making it… my sense of delight in enjoying it! In my marriage, when I don’t get my Ruben, I must keep asking, “What am I going to do about this?” … I’m going to fight to have the all about us attitude… I’m going to respect her needs and go to the Mayhem for a Mini Burger!”

“Gee, Mr. Gorducho… I hope you have a restful Monday! Relax… enjoy… You do such good work!.. Can’t wait to eat a fine Ruben tomorrow!”

Be a blessing to the ones you love, no matter how frustrated you are… It’s not all about you!
Jim