I Don’t Love You Anymore…

“I don’t love you anymore…” These are perhaps some of the most fearsome words a spouse can hear… or think… As a counselor, I hear it often enough… moreso lately than ever before. People are feeling alone in their marriages. They’re reaching out to each other, but they’re not connecting. After so many years of marriage… perhaps children too… what do we do now? Is it over? Did we make a mistake? How can I live with you if you don’t love me? How can I live with you if I don’t love you? The thought of it is paralyzing…. But here we are…

“I don’t love them anymore… the feelings are gone… there’s nothing there… I guess there never really was.”

What is the speaker really saying?
1. You don’t understand me
2. You don’t care about me
3. You don’t appreciate me
4. You don’t respect me
5. You don’t cherish me
6. I am angry
7. I have been neglected
8. I have been taken for granted
9. I don’t measure up
10. I’m not good enough
11. It hurts!
12. I’m devastated

And, because it has hurt for so long, and you haven’t changed it, I don’t trust you and will not be vulnerable with you again.

I believe that the feelings of hurt and anger supersede any feelings of love in our relationships, and over time, resentment builds and we soon make the decision to stop trying. What does that really mean? It means that when we can’t fix it, and you won’t fix it, we hold on to our negative feelings and use them as the basis to decide to stop loving… when we decide to stop loving, our relationship is doomed. Feelings always follow our decisions about reality. Those of you who have been reading my posts for awhile may remember the source of feelings:

1. Observe – What’s going on? What are they doing/saying?
2. Interpret – What does it mean? What does it say/imply about ME?
3. Feel – How does my interpretation make me feel?
4. Act – How do I behave under the influence of these feelings?

After years of observation of your behavior, your spouse may have interpreted a pattern of disrespect, or neglect, or condescension, or lack of appreciation, or a sense of superiority. If they interpret negatively often enough, they will decide that the truth is “you don’t understand… don’t care… don’t respect… don’t cherish, etc.” That interpretation will undoubtedly breed those negative feelings of hurt, anger, and resentment. The resulting behavior will be withdrawal and a decision not to risk reaching out to you in love. When that happens, all feelings of love are strangled by the negative.

“I don’t love you anymore…” is a result of desperate sadness and fear for the speaker, and for the hearer of those words, it can be a shock wave of surprise that moves through all the stages of grief: Denial… anger… bargaining… depression… and finally, acceptance. When the stage of acceptance is finally reached… “They’re serious. They’ve lost all feeling for me!” Then, the real work can begin, and it’s a long hard pull on the oars to get the little boat through rough seas to shores of safety. Is it impossible? No… I’ve witnessed this hard work in the lives of many couples who thought they were lost, and I’ve seen them come ashore together, stronger than ever… but you’d better believe it takes long hard work to repair the damage… the leaking boat… and get to shore.

Is there a better way? You betcha. Don’t take a beautifully intimate relationship and throw it to the dogs. “What am I, DOG MEAT? That’s how I feel.” But, some of you may say, “I don’t think we got married for the right reasons… maybe we never had a meaningful relationship…. Maybe we just made a mistake?” BULL DOOKIE! There’s no “perfect one” out there for you… there are plenty of companions out there you could love and be loved by, if you decided to do so… So decide, decide, decide, to love the one you’ve got.

Try… MaybeThis:

1. Accept the fact that you cannot change them, but you can change your own behavior and attitude.
2. Apologize for whatever your contribution was to the mess you’re in… known and unknown.
3. Commit to “going to school” to learn who your spouse is; what they need, and how to give it.
4. Decide to make your marriage relationship the number one priority in your life. (If you’re in a small boat that’s full of holes and leaking… you ‘re in the middle of the sea… what’s your priority… rowing or patching? The boat is your marriage relationship.)
5. Ask for their help in making the changes you need to make. Promise them you’ll ask them for a progress report regularly and listen to them.
6. Develop the attitude that “It’s all about them, not all about me.
7. Remember how they felt yesterday:
1. You don’t understand me
2. You don’t care about me
3. You don’t appreciate me
4. You don’t respect me
5. You don’t cherish me
8. Prove them wrong

When you ask yourself, “What about me?” Just forget about it… Keep patching holes in the boat. You don’t love someone for you, you love them because you chose them to spend your life with. Men, to provide for, protect, cherish, and grow in intimacy… Women, to love, nurture, comfort, and build a family with. You give yourselves to each other to make something beautiful together. Men, love your wives… die for them. Women, respect and submit to your husbands. What is the greater act of love? In God’s economy they’re equally esteemed and equally required (Eph. 5:22-33). As you develop the “it’s all about THEM” attitude, they will come around… they will begin to work with you… then it can be “all about US…”

Blessings,
Jim

Trust, Honesty, and Forgivenss: Seven Steps to “Move On” From Hurt

Trust, honesty, and forgiveness are three relational necessities or essential qualities that will keep a close relationship growing in intimacy and connectedness. These three concepts must constantly be used in thought and action. If you don’t trust me, you will withdraw from me and isolate yourself in a protective mode.

Bottom line, when I have hurt you or offended you, it is a betrayal of your sense of safety with me. When I have betrayed you, you will have difficulty trusting me into the future.

Most people will tell you that trust must be earned! Well, I think that our behaving in a trustworthy manner consistently does deepen and solidify other’s trust of us, but how does it begin? Look at this example:

Let’s suggest that you and I meet at some occasion and begin a nice chat… We kind of like each other and want to expand our new “relationship.” We agree to meet for lunch next Wednesday at noon. I show up to have lunch with you… why do I do that? Because I trust that you will be there. I barely know you, but I “trust that you will be there.” If you show up to have lunch with me, what is the process that got you there? For starters, it was a decision to trust me…that I would be there to meet you. That decision is the foundation of the rest of the action you took to “be there.” Why would you take the risk? Because we are driven for relationship… more social interaction… we want to be friends… that is our direction away from isolation and loneliness… it’s our nature… If either one of us fails to “be there,” offering a “lame” excuse, the risk was not rewarded, and we will probably move on in our search for intimacy… we’re no longer friends.

Trust begins, and is sustained by the decision to do so… “no risk, no reward!” In all relationships other than family, we can have control over who we “relation” with. If we decide they’re not safe, or worth our investment with them, we can cut it off and leave… not so easy with family…

So, when we are hurt or offended by family our trust is compromised just as it is with friends. We can leave if we want to, but we cannot change the fact they are family. In a marriage… in relationship with children… leaving is a poor option. What other options might be available?

Try, maybethis:

1)      Make a conscious effort to not judge.

1. Nobody is perfect
2. 90% of our hurting each other is unintended
3. NOTHING is unacceptable in a relationship if repentance is offered
4. I have been guilty of hurting others, so I cannot judge

2)      Be honest and tell them how you feel

1. If the offense was unintended, they don’t know
2. They are different from you and would not have reacted the way you have
3. Ask them not to require you to justify your feelings… just hear them
4. Tell them your feelings are not up for negotiation

 3)      Tell them that you want to forgive them, but you’re not sure they recognize their responsibility for the offense. 

1. Ask them if they understand how you were hurt
2. They can’t repent (change directions) if they don’t know which way to go

4)      If they don’t offer an apology outright, ask them for one.

1. Look for remorse (sorrow for hurting you)
2. Ask them to repent (change directions)

(If you don’t receive a remorseful and repentant apology it may be difficult to proceed. Return to step #1.)

5)      Ask them if you can count on them in the future to refrain from the thing that caused the offense.

1. This behavior may be difficult for their personality type to control… It may be their natural tendency.
2. If they are not 100% sure they understand, or can control the behavior, ask them how you may be able to help. (Yes, helping in this  is your responsibility! Personality doesn’t change much, but behavior can!)

6)      If their desire is to repent (change directions), and they are reasonably remorseful (sorry they hurt you), decide to forgive them and work the forgiveness process (see below).

7)      Decide to trust them at their word, and move on with your relationship.

1. Each time we hit a hard place in a relationship and navigate it successfully, our relationship strengthens, deepens, and increases in true safety.
2. Hard places are not fun, but they are very beneficial as a catalyst to intimacy.

In the case of a minor offense, this process could take less than an hour… in the case of a major offense, it may take healing, extended remorse, and time to make the decisions to forgive and to trust again, but the process is the same.

What is forgiveness? I think forgiveness is a decision we make, because we want to do so. It involves grace (undeserved favor) and mercy (withheld punishment), and affects the inner condition of the hearts involved. The forgiving heart sheds anger and depression, which opens the door to peace. The forgiven heart receives acceptance, mercy, and reinstatement. Why do I want to forgive? Because God tells me to, and to be free of the anger and resentment that unforgiveness imprisons within me (that’s one of the reasons He tells me to… He thinks it’s a good idea). Forgiveness is not a one-shot decision with immediate results. We must consciously decide again and again… pray for them… over time the feelings of anger and resentment will disappear.

The rewards of honesty, forgiveness, and trust are found in successful and meaningful relationships. The pitfalls are in our risk to be hurt by someone we love… by someone we can’t walk away from.

Forgiveness begins with the decision to do so… Trust begins, and is held, by the decision to do so… Love begins, and grows, when we decide to act loving, especially when we don’t feel like it! It’s not all about me… It’s about the relationship… it’s about us!

The question is, “What can I do to make this better?”

Blessings,

Jim

Seven Tips: How to handle the Defensive Maneuvering that wrecks a discussion.

When I ask couples how they would categorize their communication success, they usually state that they can communicate OK, but they have a hard time getting resolution to problems. Might I suggest that the most common obstruction to a successful problem-solving discussion is defensiveness. One gets defensive and escalates… the other gets defensive and escalates… up, up, up it goes until blow-up and break-down occur.

When one person in a conversation gets defensive, they stop listening. They are actually feeling unsafe about either themselves or their position. They are feeling some level of insult and challenge, so they HAVE to think about protecting themselves. When they stop listening, the other one senses that and “ups the ante” by getting louder or more forceful. That response increases defensiveness. The defensive person will withdraw, or become offensive themselves. Either of these reactions will cause defensiveness in the other person. At this point, the subject of the conversation has changed from a discussion of facts and opinions to an argument about who is right and who is wrong… the original subject is gone!

Try MaybeThis:

1. When one senses that the other is getting defensive, STOP! Say, “time out!”, or “hold it a minute!” (Use the referee hand signal at a ball game for time out!) “I am uncomfortable with where we are… with where this is going!… I’ll be quiet and let you talk… I give you the floor to talk… what is it that you want me to hear?”  “I will not interrupt!” “Please, tell me what you want me to hear!”
   
2. Assure them that their opinions or positions are important to you and you want to protect their space… you will respect them.
3. When they stop shouting or talking, you say, “What else?” Just “suck-it-up” and take it… Keep doing this until they have completely de-escalated and can verbalize something you can get a grip on.
4. When they have finished and have nothing else to add, you say, “Let me be sure I heard right… these are your main points… blah, blah, blah.” You speak their concerns back to them and ask if you heard right. “Is that what you wanted to say?” “Did I get it?” (If they say, “No!”, then ask them to try again to be sure you “get it.”)
5. If you have caused them ANY feelings of hurt, fear, injustice, etc., APOLOGIZE! “I’m sorry for my part in causing those feelings… that was NOT my intention. I’m sorry!”   (Never, never, NEVER miss an opportunity to say, “I’m Sorry!”)
6. Ask them if you can now “try again” to get your point across in a “better” way.
7. Proceed more carefully from a position of knowledge of “who” you’re dealing with. You just “pushed their button”… You want to label it and do your best not to press it again.

 The same goes for yourself, if you sense that you are the one feeling defensive… Stop! “Time out! I need to tell you how I’m feeling right now… Will you give me the floor, because I’m not able to listen to you right now.” Ask them to let you de-escalate by listening to you.

When one is defensive, it should be viewed as a “trigger” to stop the conversation, because it is either “off track,” or soon will be. Getting defensiveness out of the way will allow the original conversation to continue with two respectful partners in a mutually shared “listening” mode.

This is how successful communication is maintained… Resolution to problems can only be reached with completed successful communication. If defensiveness side-tracks the conversation, you will never get to resolution.

My next post will deal with setting boundaries to protect your space from intruders! Please SUBSCRIBE to this blog so you will be notified by email when the new posts arrive! I covet your comments and suggestions!

Blessings,

Jim